Myspazz.com

Burnout Paradise Motorbike Patch: Review

2008-09-18T13:22:00.001Z

It is Burnout with motorbikes, I say motorbikes plural - there are two bikes. Probably more if you bother to unlock something or other. Oh also night time.

7/10

Nintendo Toys In Penis Horror!

2008-09-16T14:31:00.002Z

This definitely looks like a penis to me. I've been on the phone to my therapist and having seen the photo himself, he admits that even HE thinks it looks like a penis, so it's not just down to my obsession/phobia.

Sort it out Nintendo!

(Just to clarify, I coloured in the lower one.)

A Lesson In Marketing

2008-09-12T20:30:00.003Z

Q.) If you have a massive expansion for one of the most popular games this generation that consists of hour upon hour of extra content, all the while retaining the same high quality of the original game - what would be the best way to advertise a price cut for said expansion?

A.) Apparently this:

This may well be an all time low.

XBLA Revisited: N+

2008-09-07T14:35:00.004Z

As you've no doubt noticed, things just don't seem to get done around here like they used to. Call it idleness, call it a lack of willpower to do anything other than find high quality images of Hilary Duff's camel toe, and double over in a frenzied-wank-induced stupor - but whatever I've been pulling for the last few months, it certainly hasn't been my weight.

In light of this I've decided to don my creativity trousers and bring you all a gift, as a sort of apology for not being funny any more.

So there it is, hopefully the first of many - though probably the last to use N+'s stupid level editor.

Please keep reading, I do still love you all. Except for you.

x

Red Alert 3 Just Got Interesting

2008-08-05T21:44:00.002Z

Because now when a cutscene kicks in we can all have a jolly good tug over Gemma Atkinson's massive plastic tits.

If this isn't 200th post worthy, then I don't know what is.

All Faith In The Video Game Industry: Lost

2008-07-13T13:14:00.002Z

For this is the box art for Echochrome.

If you need me I'll be in the basement with a noose around my neck and my penis hanging out.

Child Pornography Discovered in Hitman!

2008-07-13T13:09:00.002Z

Can you believe it? There I was wandering around the home of a South American drug baron, marvelling at his lavish interiors when I stumbled across this...

A TOPLESS CHILD!

God knows what the folk at IO Interactive were thinking but the Daily Mail is going to have a field day with this.

Driving Theory Training: Not As Helpful As First Thought

2008-06-03T13:35:00.002Z

More Hints Of Racism From Japanese Survival Horrors?

2008-05-20T11:24:00.002Z

If you weren't already aware, Resident Evil 5 is being panned by critics as an exercise in anti-black propaganda, determined to spread racist sentiment throughout the gaming world by awarding points for the extermination of black zombies and bonus points for the curing of white zombies.

As shocking as that may seem, the latest instalment of Sony exclusive 'Forbidden Siren 3' appears to be continuing this trend.

A man stabbing a woman in the midriff with a knife - probably a botched abortion, nothing peculiar about that. Hang on... what's that on the wall there?

It is racism!

What at first appears to be little more than a victimless parody of the Jackson 5, actually turns out to be more sinister, the description in the Japanese text calling the men '3 nice afros'. Not that they have 3 nice afros, that they ARE 3 nice afros. Yet another example of Japanese racism sneaking into video games.

Somebody get me N'gai Croal on the line immediately!

Haze Not Next-Gen!

2008-05-19T20:07:00.003Z

Can you believe it? Mere weeks after the announcement that the Playstation 3 version of Grand Theft Auto IV (4) had but 630 graphics, some guy here has gone on record to say that Haze - the game Sony fanboys have been heralding as their supposedly 'exclusive' answer to Halo 3 - is even less, at a pathetic 579 graphics.

Don't worry everyone, wait a few months and the Xbox 360 version will be released in high definition and without all of those laborious install times.

How To Design A Gaming Cliche

2008-05-18T12:05:00.003Z

Following the barrage of screen-shots and character info released by Team Ninja to herald the imminent arrival of Ninja Gaiden (pronounced 'gay den') 2, I've put together this in-depth analysis of the design choices that have gone into new female character 'Sonia', so that you too can design your own 'completely-lacking-in-individuality' female game character.

1. Head (including: 'Face')

As you can see, the closer the head resembles that of most male game characters the better. Here the developers have taken the general outline for Raiden and Dante and added lipstick, though they appear to have eased up on the eye-liner. As Sonia is seemingly Caucasian, and designed by Japanese people, her hair colour must not exceed anything other than 'Gandalf White'.

2. Neck

The first important thing to remember when designing a Japanese style game character is that no accessory is too much. Even if it doesn't make sense, just add it anyway - it will be interpreted by idiot fan boys as 'cool' and 'character-defining' and provide extra detail for their cos play outfits. Tattoos are also popular, making the character appear moody and dangerous as nobody questions the idiocy of giving somebody money in order for them to tear up your skin leaving you scarred for life.

3. Chest (Tits!)

My Nan once told me 'if it ain't got tits, it ain't worth shit', and when applied to the Japanese gaming scene I fully understand what she means. Team Ninja are notorious for introducing us to some of the wobbliest boobs around, so when designing your gaming cliché make sure you make the breasts as big as possible. Remember, if there's white space left on the page, the tits aren't big enough. Another important little detail is the zip-up top. Men go crazy for zips - there's always the possibility they may slip undone, spilling those much desired fleshy sacks of fat out into the open, nipples and all.

4. Hand

Hands must be gloved. Bare hands have no character. Hands must also contain one of the following;

a.) Gun

b.) Sword

If neither of these requirements are met, your gaming cliché will be nothing other than a failure.

5.) Arm (and/or elbow)

Arms must be covered past the elbow with some sort of leather or PVC glove. This sort or unnecessary covering of limbs is to make up for the lack of clothing elsewhere on the body.

6. Waist (and the other arm, although they're not really attached)

The waist must always be decorated with an abundance of clip-belts, buckles and strap-ons. Notice here how the glove covering the other arm stops before the elbow. Such asymmetric design is typical of the Japanese, and makes their art style 'unique', despite appearing in near enough everything making it not all 'tiresome' or 'dull'.

7. Thighs? (Crotch!)

It is a fact that Japanese men have never actually seen a vagina. Most are too terrified of sex to have seen one in real life, and those who watch porn assume that all vaginas are pixelated. Even those who make pornographic videos are required by law to wear a blindfold when filming the female crotch, for fear of being corrupted by its evil smile. Thus every female game character must wear some sort of skirt or dress (no trousers, or you'll be hanged until dead) which just about looks as though it could provide a glimpse of the promised land - the secret being it never will, and undersexed gamers are once more reduced to masturbating over self-drawn images of what they assume a vagina to look like. Notice also the gun holster wrapped around the thigh, more asymmetric nonsense to add 'style' to the character.

8. Knees (getting bored now)

If your character's boots stop anywhere lower than the knee, you will be fired - this is the law of Japanese game development. Don't even think about drawing productive everyday shoes or you'll be laughed out of the building. Knee-high boots are the only way to go, they're not only 'cool' and give insight to the characters sadomasochistic interests, but also warm the legs, compensating for her icy-cold muff.

9. Feet (Toes)

What do you find on the end of a knee-high boot? If you said 'my dad when mum goes off to work' you're thinking of the wrong end. High heels are of utmost importance when designing a female game character. Impracticality doesn't factor when you're designing a 'hot-action-babe', and although a standard military grade boot would probably result in less ankle-breakages, your character just wouldn't cut it as an edgy gaming heroine.

That's all I've got time for today, if you actually visit this site and it's not just me writing stuff for the sake of it, and if you found this guide useful and want to draw your own Japanese style gaming babe, email me: Johnny Apocalypse At Hotmail Dot Com (no spaces no caps) with your image attached and I'll exhibit them later in the week.

Star Wars Force Unleashed Protagonist Vaguely Familiar...

2008-05-13T21:52:00.003Z

Here's the cheeky scamp beforehand, he's a Sith apprentice which means he has cool powers, but is ultimately a nob.

And here he is after a bit of tampering. Seem familiar?

More awful Photoshop jobs: Soon!

What's Scarier Than a Vagina?

2008-05-12T14:19:00.003Z

A vagina stuck to a burns victim's face of course!

That's assuming that all vaginas have teeth. Going on personal experience I have no reason to believe otherwise.

Silent Hill 5(6?7?) is out soon apparently.

PS3 GTA IV 'Not Next-Gen'

2008-04-29T18:06:00.004Z

News has just filtered in that the Playstation 3 version of Rockstar's latest crime, murder and sex simulator is in actual fact not next-gen.

The game runs at 630p rather than the Xbox 360's 720p, making the PS3 version of GTA IV look almost as bad as a Wii game.

Check out the comparison below.

Xbox 360

PS3

More on how rubbish the PS3 version is: Soon.

Echochrome to Receive BBFC 18 Rating

2008-04-24T20:25:00.002Z

This image has not been altered in the slightest.

I have no idea what Echochrome plays like yet but I've been looking forward to it for a while. There's an English language demo available either today or tomorrow or sometime soon at least.

Here's hoping it's not shit.

Bourne Conspiracy: About as Exciting as a Wet Piss Sandwich

2008-04-23T20:12:00.004Z

Excellent fight scene in which Bourne realistically fights several men one at a time while the others stand and watch. Listen out for the spack who gets halfway through shouting "He's getting away" before Bourne, who isn't getting away but standing directly in front of him, smacks him in the gob.

Other things to watch out for:

Bourne shooting a man who is already dead.

Bourne having a bit of a fit as he hides behind a corner.

Bourne brandishing a shotgun as he jumps through the glass windows of a speeding train - keeping in with the realism of the films.

2/10

Likeness of Jeremy Beadle's Reanimated Corpse Found in Quake Wars

2008-04-23T19:00:00.002Z

LOOK AT HIS HAND!

What on Earth is This?

2008-04-23T13:07:00.005Z

I just found it on my hard drive. It looks shite.

"Exciting" New Screen-Shot of Harry Potter and the Something Something.

2008-04-22T18:51:00.001Z

Sigh. When will they learn that all we really want is a photo-realistic Emma Watson with upskirt capabilities?

4/10

Likeness of Jimmy Nail to be Found in PC Puzzler

2008-04-21T15:54:00.002Z

Grand Theft Auto: Attack of the Clones

2008-04-21T14:49:00.002Z

Just over a week to go until the imminent release of GTA4, so I thought I'd remind you of what you could be playing if you save your money and wait just a little bit longer.

Saint's Row 2!

Like GTA except... well it's like GTA but it has more focus on... Right, it's like GTA.

This is Vegas!

It's like GTA except it's set in Las Vegas - something which no Grand Theft Auto has ever done. Except maybe San Andreas. Oh.

The Wheel Man (Wheelman?)

No it's not about a super-hero shaped like a wheel, it's the newest game from Vin Diseasel. You play a man who has to drive a car really fast - and possibly furiously - through Barcelona. The catch? You can actually get out and roam the world on foot in third person! Imagine that!

Despite the rather obvious dose of sarcasm there is one area in which these games blow GTA4 out of the water.

None of them feature Ricky Gervais.

My Health Coach Likely to Get a BBFC 18 Rating.

2008-04-20T23:47:00.002Z

More Excellent Games Coverage at MSN.Com

2008-04-20T12:46:00.003Z

Which celebrities look like video game characters?

That's what MSN is asking this week, and although Eric Clapton may well look a bit like Gordon Freeman, there are a couple of questionable entries in there;

Really? David Bowie and Leon S. Kennedy? Bowie is about 100 years older than Leon. Surely Leonardo DiCaprio would be a better choice, he even has the same first name.

Wow that was a difficult choice, let's choose someone who's actually played Lara Croft for a short period in her career, and then acknowledge it at the bottom of the image. Anybody would've been better than choosing an actual Lara Croft model. Nigella Lawson? Sophie Winkleman? Anyone with brown hair and tits?

I'd rant about this more, but the tech editor behind it is Jane Douglas, a woman, and a mildly pretty one at that:

I say pretty I mean, I wouldn't say no, probably. Come to think of it you never see any lower than the top of her shoulders. For all I know she could have spindly robotic chicken legs attached to the base of her torso, or worse - she could be in a wheelchair!

Further research shows that she is in fact a brothel-keeper from the 18th century, though it's possible it could be a different woman.

OMG!

2008-03-17T11:36:00.002Z

This may be the best example of awful DS shovel-ware ever. Ladies and Gentlemen: LOL!

Aside from having what could well be the most cringe-inducing title of any game in the history of the world, I also have no idea what that quote is supposed to be. Probably a result of me not being 15 years old any more.

Here's a bit of the press release:

"LOL is played by one of the players making a challenge in writing to the others. The crazier the challenge, the more fun everyone will have. The person who delivered the challenge chooses an appropriate time limit, and everyone has to answer the challenge on their touch screen however they see fit – with words, pictures, or whatever comes to mind. The host reveals the answers, and everyone votes on a winner who will then decide on the challenge for the next round. Always different and a blast to play every time, LOL will, as its name implies, make everyone laugh out loud."

Right, so it's Picto Chat.

8/10

Sam Fisher Spotted On Toy Gun!

2008-03-06T21:43:00.003Z

It's safe to say that this probably isn't endorsed by Ubisoft.